Ever wonder how a narcissist in your life can be your teacher?
More importantly, what is the narcissist telling you without actually telling you for your own benefit?
What if I told you they are teaching you something beyond the obvious, something beyond the projection of their inner wounds? You may not believe me right away.
Let’s take a little dive to find out if there is any truth to it.
If you’re like me, you have probably faced one or more narcissists in your life: a close family member or friend, or just a random stranger who gave you a tricky time. Wait, I hear you saying, “You mean a ‘hard’ time.” Yes.
You probably already know that narcissists project their own inner wounds on you. Which is another way of saying, whatever they sense is going on within their own mind, they are accusing you of doing it. Like telling you, “You are the one with the problem, you need to see a therapist first.” Let’s get an innerstanding of their motives, so we can better appreciate the hidden tips in their behavior.
So why do they project their inner wounds?
Because they believe they are so defective inside. They are so ashamed of their flawed nature that they do not want it to be seen outside. They fear being ridiculed for it and may even have been punished for it growing up, leading to that belief their flaws should be hidden. They feel guilty they have the flaws they believe they have, especially if they find it hard to fix it. Certainly not a happy place for a person to be in even for a few minutes, let alone a lifetime. So we can understand how miserable they must feel.
Except that, for them, it is so painful to deal with, because they are constantly criticising themselves and wounding themselves even more about feeling that pain from it. Their inner self talk is a destructive negative spiral. Which makes them feel belittled and powerless. Early in their evolution into a narcissist, their defenses were to shut off feeling their emotions so that they did not have to feel the pain behind them. You can read more about this here. So now, they do not consciously feel any of the fear, shame or guilt that started everything. The only thing that is tangibly evident to them is feeling powerless when a life circumstance does not go well.
To take their power back, they engage in behaviors with others that make them feel in control over others. And the easiest way to control another is to evoke fear in them. Add shame and guilt to that, we get to see the whole array of guilt-tripping, devaluation to cause shaming, and rage to cause further fear. Since their defenses are so well built to avoid seeing their own inner ways of working, they are also not able to see their own worth. They only see what is to be criticised and punished in themselves for causing them this pain.
We all appreciate in others what is within ourselves. Which means when they see others, they are not able to appreciate the other for who that person is and what qualities that person embodies. The narcissist only sees their own flawed persona reflected in the other person. Like a dog seeing itself in a mirror. It growls at the perceived lack of boundaries and intrusion from the one in the mirror, as an example.
Interestingly, at some level they are aware of what is needed to address what is going on within. But it is so painful to see or accept what is going on within. So they lash out the corrective actions at their image they see in the other person. This way the actions are dished out, and they themselves are not hurt in the process. Much to the torment of the receiving party!
With this innerstanding, let’s look at the 5 things a narcissist is actually teaching you for your own highest and greatest good:
1. Selfishness or self-absorbed behavior:
What they are projecting: Lack of ability to love themself = lack of ability to love you (i.e. the part of them they see in you).
What they are actually hinting for your benefit: Self-love. You are so committed to caring for others, it’s nudging you to love your own self with the same intensity you care for others.
Explanation: In fact that may be why you feel more insulted or shocked by the narcissist’s inability to love you or respect you. Because your default functioning is to care for others more than your own self. You may feel it is selfish to love yourself as much. And we expect what is within us to be what we see around us too. We expect others to be equally caring to us. After all life is about equal give and take. What a shock we get when we run into the narcissist who is quite the opposite.
Are they really the opposite though? Because what they really need is also what you really need. Though your own version of it and with your own reasons for it: self-love. They are a mirror to what we really need, if we are not distracted by the emotional reactions they evoke in us.
2. They devalue you:
What they are projecting: Lack of ability to acknowledge and respect themself = lack of ability to acknowledge and respect you (i.e. the part of them they see in you).
What they are actually hinting for your benefit: You matter! (Please note that again) You…matter! You are in fact so worthy beyond measure!!
Explanation: They recognize at a subconscious level that you are so valuable and deserving, that they cannot witness it in contrast to their own flawed self. They feel powerless from it. They can feel powerful if they can make you feel less than what you already are. If your emotional response and sense of self can be changed and manipulated by their actions and words, they now can control how you feel about yourself. It may not take away your value, but it helps them feel in control. Especially if we are subconsciously hooked into the relationship, hoping they will see us for who we are at least once, without realising what is actually going on subconsciously.
3. The narcissistic rage:
What they are projecting: Being powerless from their inability to acknowledge and respect themself = lack of ability to acknowledge and respect you (i.e. the part of them they see in you), but yet you seem to be too goodlooking, too smart etc.
What they are actually hinting for your benefit: Again, you matter! (Please note that again) You…matter! You are in fact so worthy beyond measure!! They desire to have some quality that you possess which they are not willing to consciously acknowledge.
Explanation: Whatever is within you is “too good” for them, that it makes them feel insecure. It evokes a sense of shame that they are flawed, guilt that they are flawed and feeling the pain of it which they tried to shut off, which means they were not able to shut off their feeling of that pain successfully, now they feel powerless, and enraged at themselves too. The pain of all of this over all the years up until now is too hard to bear. They retaliate against this unfairness by screaming, and terrorizing their surroundings so things will get under control again for them. And if you are in their surroundings, they end up terrorizing you, trying to evoke the same fear, shame and guilt in you that is plaguing them from within. And for all they want to consciously accept, you are the one causing this pain to them. Till they ran into you, they were not this acutely aware of their own flaws. So they did not go into that negative self-talk cycle to this degree to feel this amount of pain that they are feeling now. Leaving you wondering what you even did to them, and how unfair it is to you to be treated this way only for trying to care for someone.
If they are successful in their tactics, you may even end up doubting your own actions: if you actually did anything wrong to cause them pain. Now what it is within you that resonates with their self-talk, is that you hold yourself too accountable for your actions to others. You consciously go above and beyond to make sure you don’t hurt others. So it is only natural for you to want to correct yourself there. Except they are manipulators out of touch with their conscience. So they may unknowingly use this as a chance to feed your self-doubt so they can manipulate your actions and your feelings. This at an extreme can become the mind bending house of smoke and mirrors that characterise narcissistic relationships.
4. The solution they need is the solution you need:
It may be easy to note that they are a mirror to us showing us the best tips to enhance our own well being. All the while they see us as a mirror to them, seeing their own flawed self.
They may have the same theme of inner wounding as us. The only difference: the empath or non-narcissistic person acts with conscience. While the narcissist acts without conscience.
And life is a mystery. Every event and person is giving us a clue which if we follow, will lead to our happiness. But sometimes, the answer comes as a riddle. Which means that, it is important what you focus on in that specific circumstance to get your answer.
Not too long ago, a very close relative was hell-bent on stopping me from pursuing my passion. Now it had taken a great deal of overcoming self-doubt and fear if this was in fact a right decision to make, before I embarked on that path. Somehow, this dear one was triggered by it. They lashed out, acting in disruptive ways to stop me from pursuing it. They made my life disruptive when I was trying to work on that passion, so that I would give less and less attention to my project, and instead follow what they wanted me to do.
When they realized I was still trying to pursue my inner desire, they recruited other dear ones to do the same: convince me against this path, evoke self-doubt and fear whener they had a chance. This made me deeply sad and rejected by my own dear ones, and bad that they did not see my reasons behind it and how it may help me in fact.
It was in a deep healing hypnotherapy session, that the tip to happiness in this situation came to me: the message to take home from this was to do what they were doing. The persistence with which they were pursuing their cause is the persistence with which I had to pursue my cause. Even if they did not seem to accept me or my ideas. My emotional reaction to their seeming rejection would take away valuable energy from doing due justice to my passion and purpose. Instead what I needed to follow my purpose and passion was to pursue it with an equally relentless fervour that they were in fact showing me how to. What I needed to focus on was the intensity of the persistence – that level of persistence was what I needed myself. The emotional reaction to the circumstance would have held me back, so that was not what the take home message was from this cicumstance. Of course I need to practice good “emotional hygiene” to process any emotions appropriately. But this insight changed the range and intensity of emotions evoked by this event for the better. Because I could see what was happening and what exactly needed my attention.
I am so grateful for that hypnotheray session! Though conventionally, hypnotherapy has gotten a bad rap, being used as a term for dramatic stage shows. The real hypnotherapy technique is guiding one to a deep healing meditative state, and coupled with therapeutic elements from there on. Pretty much like a deep guided meditation, except with one on one guidance to find answers and gain clarity.
One way to gain this clarity is also journaling. Which can yield valuable inner wisdom and answers. But hypnotherapy takes it a notch higher in being deeper, and to add: sometimes even more therapeutic and healing, under the guidance of an expert hypnotist.
Once when I was feeling check-mated by life and was looking for answers, journaling came to the rescue. To read that journaling experience that led me to piece after piece of inner wisom and clarity, click here.
If you are new to journaling and wanting to have a beginner’s guide, you may find this article helpful.
Since narcissistic abuse can affect your stress response system and lead to burnout, having this clarity is one more tool in your arsenal on recovery and prevention of burnout and trauma.
So, what self-empowerment tips have you learnt from a narcissist? Please comment below: I would love to hear from you.
