Does Your Kindness Stand For Weakness?

“I don’t want to be part of a world where being kind is a weakness.”

-Keanu Reeves

Has anyone ever told you that it was weak to be kind?

I am not surprised if you said yes. In our current world where cut-throat competition and achievements are applauded over individual well being and personal success, kindness may have taken a beating.

Have you come across any version of the message, “There is no family at work”?

I remember an instance in my pre-residency days as a clinical observer – our team of observers was following an attending physician. We were going up a flight of stairs, and the men-folk seemed to want to ace the race up the steps. I moved over so they could. I had patellofemoral syndrome too, so racing on the steps was not my cup of tea. And as I panted as our group stepped onto the next floor, a well-meaning person watching this mentioned that I needed to “show that you are strong and not let them win.”

Me making space for someone was regarded as a lack of strength and competing vigor. And I love that! It helped me understand perspectives and beliefs over the years, both personal and inter-generational.

Fast forward to over a decade….this came in stark contrast to what my seven year old said. My second grader was doing fourth grade math by God’s grace. He was invited to participate in a math competition open to third graders and older. We were so honored and grateful! My son’s response was, “If it’s for fun I don’t mind doing it, but I don’t want to go for a competition. Because in a competition one person wins and everyone else is sad.”

Which makes us wonder if being kind implied weakness? And why?

Everyone seems to be fighting his/ her own inner battles. All battles may not be easily visible outside. And pain can be subjective too. Meaning the same kind of pain may cause more upset in a person’s psyche than in another, triggering any of her previous emotional traumas. She may take a while to clear and transmute this pain. While her sister may be able to brush it off and walk past the pain easily. On the other hand, her cousin sister may seem to walk past that scenario. But without realising she may be hushing down her emotions around it, packing and stacking her pain. So on the surface the cousin may look ok, but she may be fighting a battle to suppress her emotions. Till one day her pack-and-stack runs out of space, and she hits rock bottom, and cannot handle this anymore. Ultimately leading to her breakthrough: the healing and release of this pain she subconsciously was yearning for all along.

A physician could be trying to fight off an energy draining illness and still see patients. Another colleague may be handling the hardships of a divorce she does not want to speak about at work, while still being there for her patients. And another person could be mourning the loss of a baby as she still shows up to work and puts on her best professional front. Or trying to fight the lack of social support and loneliness she feels at home and fill up that void with overworking.

How would it be if the goal for each of these doctors was individualized? What would it take for someone to realize what each person needed to be successful in their own life?

Could loving kindness, compassion and empathy be the answer?…..

What would you say?

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